You Smile I Smile

You Smile I Smile
Sonshine: My Journey After the Loss of My Son

Saturday, August 4, 2012

When one door closes...

Well, it's been awhile since I've posted anything, but the spirit moved me today to jump back in. It's been a rough couple of days. Someone(s) said something incredibly cruel to me, but I am not going to say what because it's not true, it's fear-based, and frankly, it's not worth repeating or wasting good energy on. My heart goes out to the sadly misguided souls. Fear is the opposite of love. But enough about that.

Anyway, it got me thinking about how awful people can be. Why was Andy taken away from me? Why me?... blah blah blah. But THEN I started thinking about all the beautiful people that would never have come into my life if Andy hadn't died. It's a veritable feast of awesome, beautiful people! I am truly blessed. God has a way of bringing new beauty into our lives to help us deal with terrible losses. These amazing souls will help and already have helped, carry me through until I see my baby again.

I have all these totally and completely awesome friends of Andy's that I didn't know very well before Andy died (you know, Moms can be an embarrassment haha), but who have become my adopted children. I couldn't love them more if they were my own. So I DO have living children. They are too many to name, but they know who they are. Andy had a large circle of lovely friends. He had good taste in friends, I must say.

I will never have biological grandchildren, but I have these beautiful kids' children and those yet to be born. So, yes, I do have grandchildren...there's Diamony, a shiny diamond whose beautiful spirit got me through my darkest days, Donovan, the cutest little boy with his mischievous smile, Evelyn, with her delicate face and delightfully sweet heart, and (soon) Izabel, whom I cannot wait to meet, among them, and more to come, I'm sure. Yippee!

I have become friends with these kids' parents who have welcomed me into their lives with openness, kindness and love. People like Bibi and Janice and Susan, and other awesome parents that I'm just getting to know. I'm so glad I've met you! I love that I have these new friends to hang with, go to O'Malley's with, go to movies with, play games with, share stories with, get diet advice from, and eat their yummy home-grown vegetables with.

There is Rebecca who began as my realtor and ended up as my friend. Cool chain of events here...If Andy hadn't died, I wouldn't have been looking for a new house. If Peter Rumsey hadn't been out of town that day, Rebecca wouldn't have been filling in that day. If we hadn't started talking about our children and I hadn't told her about Andy, she wouldn't have hugged me and done just the right thing, and I wouldn't have felt an instant kinship with her. And of course, her 2 beautiful, adorable, sweet, smart little girls Layla and Harper wouldn't be in my life either. I must count them as part of my family too. Their artistic and gorgeous painted sculptures wouldn't be displayed proudly at my home (that Rebecca helped me find!).

And last, but not least, there are the valiant, battered souls who have walked this same journey with me. We members of the club no one wants to be in. Again, there are too many to list, but you know who you are. Though I haven't even met many of you in person, we have a bond that is stronger than strong and will never, ever be broken. God bless the ones who helped me when I was new to all this by sharing the wisdom that only time can bring. God bless those new to all this. I will be there for you. Probably the saddest thing is that our numbers grow each day.

If I have left anyone off, please forgive was only a memory lapse, but the heart never forgets. You are in my heart.

It's true that when one door closes, another opens. I thought I lost everything the day Andy died. In some ways I did, but also look at what I've gained. For that I am deeply grateful, and I am truly blessed!

Have a beautiful day! 

I love you ~ Andy ~, yesterday, today and every day for eternity!


  1. I am so glad you have posted. I have been thinking of you and praying that smoother times were coming soon. Don't worry too much about people who are cruel. Each of us are apparently sent here to learn about love, adversity, and many other things of which I haven't yet learned myself. When you encounter someone who is cruel, they have often a long time to go before going home. I don't envy them for all the tough lessons life has remaining for them. Love to you.

  2. Ms. Pam, your resilience is so inspiring. Andy was and still is blessed for having a mother like you. Your ability to see the pain and find strength I'll never understand, but admire so much. You raised an amazing boy. I miss him every single day, as does everyone his beauty touched. I'm so thankful to have gotten to know you, and I'd love to spend more time with you as well. I know Andy loves that we all help each other through his loss. Love you Pam!

  3. Thankyou for sharing your heart. I felt so isolated after our son was killed, not because we didn't, and still do have amazing friends like you, but because i didn't know many people who had lost a child.
    Then I found them, all across the world, writing about their loss and grief journey. It is such a comfort.
    We ourselves found as well, "The kindness of strangers".
    Your son was unique and writing about him will touch so many others you have never met.
    I leave you with a link to my blog about my son,if you should wish to read it.
    Viv from England.