Life Goes On

What an amazing month it has been. Two beautiful new babies came into the world, and another one celebrated his first birthday.

Baby Hadley Alexis Crist arrived first. She came into the world as a tiny little thing, only 4 pounds. Hadley is the daughter of Alexis and Jason Crist and the niece of Jeff Howard, my Andy’s dear friend. Sadly, Hadley’s mommy passed away due to complications during her birth. It was a devastating time, it was a joyous time. Hadley’s mom, Alexis, was a beautiful girl, with long, long, golden hair, pretty as a picture, only 24 years old. She was very excited to have her first baby. Only God knows why she had to pass on and leave a deeply grieving family and a beautiful baby without her mommy. It is very hard to accept, and my heart hurts very much for her loved ones. But one thing I know is that she is smiling down at her precious little baby with love and pride. And Hadley is so incredibly beautiful. I believe she has a very important purpose in this life, and she will bring so much love and joy to her adoring family. Welcome to the world, little Hadley!

Then I got to spend a whole week in Atlanta with my brother Jeff, his wife Kelley, and my adorable-beyond-belief nephew Sam. Sam turned one on April 6. It’s hard to believe a whole year has gone by. He is growing by leaps and bounds, and when it comes to precious, well, he wrote the book. Not to brag, but he is kind of a perfect little boy. He is a beautiful little thing with a sweet and happy personality. Just looking at him makes me happy. Oh, and he might be a baby genius too! I was so blessed to spend his first birthday with him. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. The best part of my day was rocking him to sleep at night. Is there anything more precious than a sleeping baby? And feeling his tiny breath on my neck, I would think “this must be what heaven is like.” It brought back beautiful and happy memories for me. He so reminds me of Andy when he was that age.

And last but not least, my friend Rebecca and her husband Steve welcomed a beautiful new baby boy into their family on April 10. His name is Holden Hunt, and he is perfectly adorable. I got to hold him at the hospital today. Even though he weighed in at 9 lbs. 1 oz., he felt light as a feather after carrying Sam all week! Did I mention how much I love holding babies? Holden has two adorable older sisters who I know will dote on him and give him lots of sisterly love.  Lucky baby, he has two wonderful parents and two awesome sisters! I see a happy life ahead for the little guy.

Some might think that seeing other people with babies would make me sad, but nothing could be further from the truth. I celebrate each new life that comes into this world, and it brings me great joy to see people I love receiving such a precious gift. Life does indeed go on. Do I still miss Andy? More than life itself, but I have learned that he lives on in a wonderful way, and I see a glimpse of his spirit in each new life that comes into the world. So I celebrate these 3 special babies this month with great love and gratitude.

Happy 2nd Angelversary Beloved Son

My beloved Andy, I miss you as much today as I did the day you left us. Your passing leaves a gaping hole in my heart that will never heal. The world is less bright without your light in it. There are no words to explain how much I miss you and how much you meant to me….my life, my reason for living. I know I have to go on even though I just want to be with you. I am trying my best, and everything I do is to honor your life and memory. I love you so much honey, and my favor to ask of you is for you to exist in peace, bliss, and love until we are reunited. Wait for me…I’ll see you soon!

The Ritual and Other Sweet Memories

 This is such a hard time of year for me. What used to be such a joyous time just isn’t anymore. I try to be positive, and for the most part I am. But there is this pain in my heart that never goes away. Thankfully, “civilians” don't understand the pain...the human brain is not capable of going to that level of pain without experiencing it for one’s self. I miss him. I miss hearing people say his name. I miss his smile, his hugs, his laundry, his dishes in the sink, seeing salt & vinegar potato chips in the cupboard. I miss it all.

So I get through it by remembering wonderful things. Here are a few glimpses into who my Andy really was.

1)      Homework – Andy was always a very bright student. When he was in grade school, starting around 2^nd grade, he really wanted homework and tests. He would say “Mom, will you make me a math test?” or “Mom, will you make me up a spelling homework?” I used to spend hours some weekends writing up multiple choice spelling tests, addition/subtraction, grammar papers to give him upon request. I always thought that was so sweet. And when he really did have homework later on, never once did I have to nag him about it…never once.

2)      The Ritual – every night we did “The Ritual” at bedtime. It never varied. Andy loved continuity and consistency. He would pick out a book. He loved reading and being read to more than anything in life. He could recite the entire book “Are You My Mother?” by 2 years old. His 3 favorite bedtime books were “Are You My Mother?”, “The Very Best Home for Me”, and “The Little Red Hen”. So we’d climb into his bed, and I would read him a story, including title and author, while he snuggled with Spuddy, his bear. Then I would sing “You are my Sunshine”. And then I would tell him a fairy tale starring him. And the fairy tale always ended with “…and Andy fell fast asleep.”  And 99% of the time, that is exactly what happened. This is probably my most cherished memory.

3)      Christmas memory #1, The Pottery Pitcher – I had placed a bid on a beautiful pottery pitcher at a raffle for a school function. I really, really wanted to win. Well, I didn’t win, but his friend did win it. Oh well.  A few months later on Christmas morning, we were opening our gifts and when I opened mine, it was the pottery pitcher. Andy had saved his allowances and bought it from his friend for me. It is my most cherished possession.

4)      Christmas memory #2, Dinner – Our last Christmas Eve together, it was getting late, and I was really tired after a long day. Andy said “I’ll make dinner tonight, Mom.” And he did! He made his favorite food on earth, Hamburger Helper haha! Then he said, “you deserve a break Mom” and hugged me. I will remember that night til the day I die.

Andy struggled through some hard times, but that boy had a heart of gold. How lucky can a mother get (and how unlucky to lose him)? I still can’t really believe he’s gone. Thank God he left me such beautiful memories to sustain me until we meet again. Merry Christmas Baby of Mine!

Happy 24th Birthday!

My Dearest Andy,

I can't let your birthday go by without including you in my blog.  10/10/88 - the best day of my life!!! I hope you had the most wonderful party in heaven. Do they eat angel food cake there? I know, dumb joke, I can see you rolling your eyes. Remember when I used to embarrass you in the car by dancing in my seat at red lights? Haha! I love you so much honey and miss you still. But I take great comfort knowing you are in such a wonderful place, living in peace and happiness.  Thank you for looking out for me. I love knowing I have an angel watching over me  ^i^    We are having a little get-together Saturday night to celebrate your life and the joy you brought to us. Look for the lighted balloons!! I know you will be there <3

I'm just remembering your precious little face when you were young and the handsome young man you grew up to be. I was and still am so proud of you. You were a beautiful person to whom life was not always kind. I know it was hard for you to be a sensitive soul in this world. I want you to know that you left a beautiful legacy...so many love you, miss you, and strive to honor you every day. As for me, you brought me the most wonderful, happy days of my life. And now, I have one favor to ask...be supremely, completely, ridiculously happy until we meet again. If you are happy, I am happy...or maybe more aptly, "You smile, I smile"  :-)  Love you Bean!

Just for Today...

I got a beautiful gift last night. Andy's dad, Ken, moved last week, and naturally he came upon many of Andy's things in the process of packing and unpacking. When he opened Andy's guitar case, he found this poem which I had given Andy probably 15 years ago. It made me smile, and it made me cry. It made me happy I gave it to him. Mostly I was filled with joy that it meant enough to him that he kept it all those years, and it was in pristine condition. I'm going to have it framed. It is a beautiful and wise poem, and it rings especially true for me in one part--you'll know it when you see it. If you are a parent, please take a moment to read it, and more importantly, practice what it says. Do it in memory of Andy if you would. I love you honey and I will until the end of time.

Just For Today
by Sally Meyer

Just for this morning,
I am going to smile when I see your face...
and laugh when I feel like crying.

Just for this morning,
I will let you wake up softly in your flannel p.j.'s...
and hold you until you are ready to stir.

Just for this morning,
I will let you choose what you want to wear...
and I will say how beautiful you are.

Just for this morning,
I will step over the laundry to pick you up...
and take you to the park to play

Just for this morning,
I will leave the dishes in the sink...
and let you teach me how to put your puzzle together.

Just for this afternoon,
I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off...
and sit with you in the garden
blowing bubbles.

Just for this afternoon,
I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you
scream and whine for the ice cream truck...
and I will buy you one, if he comes by.

Just for this afternoon,
I won't worry about what you are going to be
when you grow up...
I will simply love you for the joy you bring me

Just for this afternoon,
I will let you help me make cookies...
and I wont stand over you . . . trying to 'fix things.'

Just for this afternoon,
I will take you to McDonald's and buy us both a 'Happy Meal'...
so you can have two toys.

Just for this evening,
I will hold you in my arms and tell you the story of how you
were born...
and how much we love you.

Just for this evening,
I will let you splash in the bathtub...
and I won't get angry when you pour water over your sister's
head.

Just for this evening,
I will let you stay up late...
while we sit on the porch swing
and count all the stars.

Just for this evening,
I will bring you glasses of water...
and snuggle beside you for hours...
and miss my favorite t.v. show.

And tonight when you are sleeping safe and warm in your bed,
I will think of the mothers and fathers
who mourn for the children they have lost.

I will remember the parents who sit by hospital beds,
watching over the little ones they love.

I will weep for those parents whose children are cold,
hungry and suffering,

and .... this evening,
when I kneel down to pray,
I will simply be grateful for all that I have

and not ask for anything...

except just one more day.

 

When one door closes...

Well, it's been awhile since I've posted anything, but the spirit moved me today to jump back in. It's been a rough couple of days. Someone(s) said something incredibly cruel to me, but I am not going to say what because it's not true, it's fear-based, and frankly, it's not worth repeating or wasting good energy on. My heart goes out to the sadly misguided souls. Fear is the opposite of love. But enough about that.

Anyway, it got me thinking about how awful people can be. Why was Andy taken away from me? Why me?... blah blah blah. But THEN I started thinking about all the beautiful people that would never have come into my life if Andy hadn't died. It's a veritable feast of awesome, beautiful people! I am truly blessed. God has a way of bringing new beauty into our lives to help us deal with terrible losses. These amazing souls will help and already have helped, carry me through until I see my baby again.

I have all these totally and completely awesome friends of Andy's that I didn't know very well before Andy died (you know, Moms can be an embarrassment haha), but who have become my adopted children. I couldn't love them more if they were my own. So I DO have living children. They are too many to name, but they know who they are. Andy had a large circle of lovely friends. He had good taste in friends, I must say.

I will never have biological grandchildren, but I have these beautiful kids' children and those yet to be born. So, yes, I do have grandchildren...there's Diamony, a shiny diamond whose beautiful spirit got me through my darkest days, Donovan, the cutest little boy with his mischievous smile, Evelyn, with her delicate face and delightfully sweet heart, and (soon) Izabel, whom I cannot wait to meet, among them, and more to come, I'm sure. Yippee!

I have become friends with these kids' parents who have welcomed me into their lives with openness, kindness and love. People like Bibi and Janice and Susan, and other awesome parents that I'm just getting to know. I'm so glad I've met you! I love that I have these new friends to hang with, go to O'Malley's with, go to movies with, play games with, share stories with, get diet advice from, and eat their yummy home-grown vegetables with.

There is Rebecca who began as my realtor and ended up as my friend. Cool chain of events here...If Andy hadn't died, I wouldn't have been looking for a new house. If Peter Rumsey hadn't been out of town that day, Rebecca wouldn't have been filling in that day. If we hadn't started talking about our children and I hadn't told her about Andy, she wouldn't have hugged me and done just the right thing, and I wouldn't have felt an instant kinship with her. And of course, her 2 beautiful, adorable, sweet, smart little girls Layla and Harper wouldn't be in my life either. I must count them as part of my family too. Their artistic and gorgeous painted sculptures wouldn't be displayed proudly at my home (that Rebecca helped me find!).

And last, but not least, there are the valiant, battered souls who have walked this same journey with me. We members of the club no one wants to be in. Again, there are too many to list, but you know who you are. Though I haven't even met many of you in person, we have a bond that is stronger than strong and will never, ever be broken. God bless the ones who helped me when I was new to all this by sharing the wisdom that only time can bring. God bless those new to all this. I will be there for you. Probably the saddest thing is that our numbers grow each day.

If I have left anyone off, please forgive me...it was only a memory lapse, but the heart never forgets. You are in my heart.

It's true that when one door closes, another opens. I thought I lost everything the day Andy died. In some ways I did, but also look at what I've gained. For that I am deeply grateful, and I am truly blessed!

Have a beautiful day! 

I love you ~ Andy ~, yesterday, today and every day for eternity!

Taking a Stand...

I am deeply saddened by “Christians” who try to deny basic rights to people out of fear and ignorance; bigotry cloaked as religious freedom. It’s a sad day for North Carolina. I don’t know what God these people have, but he’s sure not mine.

I believe my son is dead today in large part because of people like Amendment One supporters who made him feel like some kind of freak, someone to be despised, feared, an “abomination”. My son was a beautiful human being. He was kind, loving, so intelligent, and I loved him EXACTLY the way he was, and part of who he was, was gay. I am proud of my son. I so looked forward to the day when he found his true love and might actually…GASP!...marry that person and live in a committed relationship. I often think about how his life might have turned out so differently if we lived in a country that wasn’t steeped in homophobia. His last several years might have been happy instead of spent in shame and hurt--the feelings that sent him to drugs in an effort to suppress the pain and the shame; the feelings that many people would shun him and hate him because of who he was…who he was born as. Who God made him.

There’s not a person on earth who can convince me being gay is a choice. Who, in God’s name, would choose to be an outcast?--to be discriminated against, made to feel horrible for who they were? He could no more change being gay than he could change the color of his skin. And trust me, if he could have changed it, he would have. But it’s just not possible.

There’s been a lot written about gay kids committing suicide lately. It’s a sad commentary on the state of our country, and I largely blame misguided “Christians”. As a God-loving heterosexual Christian, I have to ask what is going on in the US?!!! The Tea Party, who would boo a veteran who honorably served our country, because he was gay, has been in the headlines. Or some crazy church that pickets the funerals of soldiers with signs like “God hates fags” because they believe that’s why our soldiers are dying. It’s so disgusting, I don’t even know what to say about it. Back in the day, people used the bible to justify slavery too.  To every church who pushed this agenda, if you want to influence our government and use church money to do so, start paying taxes like every other corporation.

Most importantly, to every gay kid out there who may be suffering: you are a beautiful person, a person of value, just the way you are. God knitted each one of you personally in the womb (that’s from the bible), he knows every hair on your head (that’s in the bible too), and he knows your heart. If you can hang in there for a few years, get some experience under your belt, you will grow into yourself, accept yourself, and live a happy life. Yes, it’s hard now, but don’t turn to drugs, alcohol, or God forbid, suicide. Treat yourself and your body with the love and respect you deserve! You are a child of God the same as every other person who walks this earth. He loves you, and I do too.