You Smile I Smile

You Smile I Smile
Sonshine: My Journey After the Loss of My Son

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Christmas in the mountains...

Ken and I decided months ago to spend Christmas away from home in the mountains. It was the best idea we ever had. So here I am, day 6 in Asheville in a cozy little cabin. The fireplace is burning, my Christmas tree-scented candle is burning. It's COLD outside, but it's warm in here. This could have been the worst time of my life...first Christmas without my baby, but instead it was relaxing, healing, and maybe even a little bit happy. Yes, there have been some tears, but overall, it was a nice Christmas. And Andy was certainly here in my heart.

I'm just reminiscing about Christmases past. First Christmas was only 2 months after Andy was born. We got his picture taken in a cute little Christmas outfit given to us by one of my co-workers. He was such a happy little guy, and we got a great picture. Other Christmases that followed brought Duplos, rattles, a pounding peg bench, stackable doughnuts, push popper, rocking horse (that was a favorite), plastic snap beads, . And of course, his favorite present of all time, Spuddy, the white Gund bear given to him by my sister Laurie. Spuddy was a permanent attachment to Andy for many, many years. His name was really Snuffles, but Andy couldn't say it, so he became Spuddy forever more.

Ah, and all the books. My sonny bunny loved to read and be read to from the time he was a tiny little boy. We bought him scads of books over the years. When he was little he would chew on them and eat part of them if we weren't watching. One time we went to Barnes and Noble and got him one of those chunky cardboard books which he wanted to hold on the way home. Well, by the time we got home, he had eaten most of it. What a funny, fun memory! Some of his favorite books as a little boy were "Are You My Mother?', "The Very Best Home for Me", and "The Little Red Hen". A couple of weeks ago I was going through my filing cabinet at work and found "Patsy the Pussycat". It had the signature chewed up corner and was taped together. I cried at the memory of him sitting on my office floor on an afghan reading that book after having been sent out of SAS daycare with a small fever. He spent many days sitting on my office floor playing quietly with himself never making any fuss. He was such a wonderful, easy little boy.

Later Christmases brought Beanie Babies, Dance Dance Revolution (to see his coordination on that was a sight to behold), Legos, Beadie Buddies (I still have a Beadie Buddy he made of our cat hanging in my room), art sets. Later still came ipods, phones, stereos, electronics of all kinds. Can you see the escalation in expense here? Haha!!! He was a genius with electronics.

Every year I would make orange rolls and coffee for our Christmas breakfast. I didn't have it in me to do it this year...too much for my heart.

Anyway, I am so thankful for the multitude of beautiful Christmas memories I have, and no one can ever take them away. I sure missed spending Christmas with my boy this year, but in reality, he's been here the whole time in my heart if not in person. Thank God for that.

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