You Smile I Smile

You Smile I Smile
Sonshine: My Journey After the Loss of My Son

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Tears and more tears...

Tears and more tears…

Crying…it’s getting old. Kleenex loves me, though! I really didn’t expect to still be crying every day at this point, but I am. Well, not always, but if I don’t, it’s hell for days after. I cry in my office, I cry in my car, I cry in the kitchen, I cry at home watching TV, I cry in bed at night.

But--Here’s what I’ve figured out. If I cry a little every day, I do much better.  Sometimes I’ll go for a few days tear free…usually when I’m away with friends or family. And I’ll think, “Ok, I’m getting better!”  But then I cry uncontrollably for 2 or 3 days after that. It’s exhausting. Whereas, if I just go ahead and cry a little every day, I’m ok after a few minutes. I guess every tear is going to come out one way or another—pay me now or pay me later. I think I prefer pay me now.

I’ve also figured out that this is going to take a long time. Guess I’m in it for the long haul, like it or not. The first time I went to a Compassionate Friends meeting (about 4 weeks after Andy died), I told the group “I think I’m doing really well, and I’m going to recover really quickly.” And they just said “Oh no, you won’t. This takes at the very least a whole year, and usually more.”  I didn’t believe them at the time…I thought I was different. Wrong! Andy is still in my mind every second of every day. I try to focus on all the happy times and how lucky I was to get to spend 22 years with him. It helps. It also helps to see people who are years down the road…they still have a big empty hole in their heart, that never goes away, but they are able to feel joy again. They are always sad on some level, but they are not the living dead either. They have adapted to the “new normal.” That gives me hope.

I read a quote recently “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love."
~ Washington Irving

I think that says it all. Go forth in joy and power today…


  1. Pam, ok, I take it back, I do like the Justin Bieber song now that I've heard the words. You're in my thoughts every day. Love, Tom

  2. Pam,

    It's ok to cry, and you will. Sometimes for music, sometimes in remembrance of Andy, and sometimes for no apparent reason. You ARE strong and you will make Andy proud as he looks down to see you trying to forge that elusive "new normal".
    You are in my thoughts and my prayers.