You Smile I Smile

You Smile I Smile
Sonshine: My Journey After the Loss of My Son

Saturday, April 9, 2011

The first day...

Nightmare…there’s no other way to describe what it feels like to lose your beloved child. If there is a hell, this is it. When I found my boy, he was face down, and he had clearly been gone a few hours. I wanted so badly to hold him one last time and tell him how much I loved him, but I was terrified of remembering him that way. So I didn’t. Instead, I ran and called his father. I deeply regret this now because I didn’t get to say goodbye, just he and I alone. It seems right that I should have been able to spend some time alone with him on his way out of this world since I brought him into the world. But there is no going back now.

The ambulance came, the police and the fire truck came. I waited in the living room while they went up to his room over the garage. I went out at one point and asked one of the EMTs who was outside “Is he dead?” to which he replied “Well, I don’t know.” And I thought to myself “Well, that’s a big, fat ‘YES’.”  Even though I saw him, I guess I still held out hope that he was really alive and I was mistaken. The rest of the night is a blur. I remember almost nothing. I do remember that the 2 police officers were very kind and took care of everything for us. And then they took my baby, my only child, away. I have never felt so empty, so alone, and so full of pain in my life.

I think that's all I can write about today. More tomorrow...

No comments:

Post a Comment