You Smile I Smile

You Smile I Smile
Sonshine: My Journey After the Loss of My Son

Friday, February 11, 2022

 Happy 11th Angel Day my darling Sonshine. It doesn't seem possible that I haven't seen your smiling face in 11 years. I still miss you more than air. I hope I am making you proud down here. Most of all, I hope you are joyful beyond anything I can imagine. That is my greatest wish for you. Until we meet again, beloved boy.



Wednesday, March 24, 2021

 I heard this lovely song by Collin Raye called "Love, Me" and the words reminded me of you. 

If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darlin', wait and see
And between now and then
Until I see you again
I'll be loving you
Love, me

Yep, wait for me! Until we meet again, I'll be taking care of things down here. But I can't wait to see you again someday, sooner than we can imagine. Time flies and the older I get, the faster it is flying. No child was every more cherished, loved, and appreciated than you. I hope you knew that. Every child should be cherished. Well, you sure were (and still are). See you soon, Sonshine! Your mom loves and adores you.

Monday, March 15, 2021

 I found this facebook post today on a friend's page, and I thought it stated things so well, so I'm sharing it here...

"The gap between those who have lost children and those who have not is profoundly difficult to bridge. No one, whose children are well and intact can be expected to understand what parents who have lost children have absorbed and what they bear.

Our children come to us through every blade of grass, every crack in the sidewalk, every bowl of breakfast cereal. We seek contact with their atoms, their hairbrush, their toothbrush, their clothing. We reach for what was integrally woven into the fabric of our lives, now torn and shredded. A black hole has been blown through our souls and, indeed, it often does not allow the light to escape.

It is a difficult place. For us to enter there is to be cut deeply, and torn anew, each time we go there, by the jagged edges of our loss. Yet we return, again and again, for that is where our children now reside. This will be so for years to come and it will change us profoundly. At some point in the distant future, the edges of that hole will have tempered and softened but the empty space will remain - a life sentence. Our friends will change through this. There is no avoiding it. We grieve for our children, in part, through talking about them and our feelings for having lost them.

Some go there with us, others cannot and through their denial and a further measure, however unwittingly, to an already heavy burden. Assuming that we may be feeling "better" six months later is simply "to not get it."

The excruciating and isolating reality that bereaved parents feel is hermetically sealed from the nature of any other human experience. Thus it is a trap - those whose compassion and insight we most need are those for whom we abhor the experience that would allow them that sensitivity and capacity.

And yet, somehow there are those, each in their own fashion, who have found a way to reach us and stay, to our comfort. They have understood, again each in their own way, that our children remain our children through our memory of them. Their memory is sustained through speaking about them and our feelings about their death. Deny this and you deny their life. Deny their life and you no longer have a place in ours. We recognize that we have moved to an emotional place where it is often very difficult to reach us.

Our attempts to be normal are painful and the day to day carries a silent, screaming anguish that companies us, sometimes from moment to moment. Were we to give it its own voice we fear we would become truly unreachable, and so we remain "strong" for a host of reasons even as the strength saps our energy and drains our will. Were we to act out our true feelings we would be impossible to be with. We resent having to act normal, yet we dare not do otherwise. People who understand this dynamic are our gold standard. Working our way through this over the years will change us as does every experience - and extreme experience changes one extremely.

We know we will have recovered when, as we have read, it is no longer so painful to be normal. We do not know who we will be at that point or who will still be with us. We have read that the gap is so difficult that, often, bereaved parents must attempt to reach out to friends and relatives or risk losing them. This is our attempt.

For those untarnished by such events, who wish to know in some way what they, thankfully, do not know, read this. It may provide a window that is helpful for both sides of the gap.”

~ Author Unknown


For those who understand, and for those who don't. I will never stop missing my child. Thank you, Andy, for those you've brought into my life as a result of your absence. They are wonderful indeed. And for those that left me, I'm glad you can't understand, for I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Friday, February 12, 2021

 Happy Angelversary Sonshine! The cousins and I celebrated your special day yesterday by going out for dinner at The Ivy Inn. It was a lovely, quaint little place. It was snowing like would have loved it! And due to the snow, we were practically the only people there, which was super nice. The lighting was low and the windows were open so we could watch the snowflakes fall. All in all, a beautiful evening. We toasted you, and you were even on the menu...yes! Linda and Vanessa surprised me by having your special day put on the menu. It was such a sweet and meaningful surprise. I'm so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. I got calls and texts from your friends. Yes, we still stay in touch, and that makes me so happy!!! They are doing well, you'll be happy to know. Some of them have been here to visit at my new home, some are coming soon. I just love seeing them and having them here. A little piece of you is in each one of them. You are remembered by every one of them and always will be. 

Lily says hello. Can you believe she's almost 21??? She is our last pet we had together that  is still here with me, so she is very precious to me. I don't think I've ever know a cat 21 years old! She's a bit frail, but still is the first one to remind me it's dinner time, and she is sweet as ever. 

I still like to listen to your old cds, altho many of them are pretty scratched up. I guess you weren't big on protective cases for them LOL. I may pull out your old ipod and listen to that sometime. Life here on Earth is good. I try to make you proud. It's kind of strange times with Covid and all, but I have so many blessings, I don't find it to be that much of an inconvenience. I do miss gathering with people as much as I used to, but that will come back soon, I think. There's a lot to be said for learning to love to spend time with yourself. There's reading, meditation, knitting, cooking, crafts, naps...all kinds of wonderful activities you can do. And there's something called Zoom now where you can talk to your friends and see them all at the same time kind of like the Brady Bunch intro LOL. All music is pretty much on your phone or your Alexa...she's new since you left too. Very handy indeed! I can talk into my remote and tell it what show I want to watch. Funny how much things change so quickly, and I just realizing it by thinking of all the things you didn't have when you were here. 

Anyway, I wanted to say hello and let you know you are remembered every single day, and especially on your birthday and angel day. I love you Sonshine. See you soon! 



Tuesday, December 29, 2020

 Well, I haven't posted anything in a few years, but I'm thinking of you tonight and how much I still miss and love you. I have moved to Charlottesville, VA. A new start with a new home, close to the cousins. It's so lovely here. I do love it. The mountains, the vineyards, the orchards, it's just so beautiful! I miss being able to visit your grave at Oakwood. It was the first year I couldn't decorate for your birthday or Christmas, but you and I are blessed with wonderful friends who took care of it for me. Jose, Alex, and Jeff have been here to visit. I love that I still see your friends. They make me feel like I can still be mom to somebody. Hopefully all the kids will plan to come here often. The door is always open. 

You'll be pleased to know I'm only about 1.5 hours from Busch Gardens LOL. Some of my very best memories with you are at BG. Gosh, how many times did we go there over the years. I do believe I know every square inch of the park. Once Covid is over, I'll go and relive those wonderful memories.

The world is a strange place now, Andy. There is a pandemic...Covid-19. The world is half shut down. People are dying. It's so sad. Some people refuse to believe it and protect others and are being very selfish, and I'm afraid because of that this could go on for a long time. I don't understand some people, I just don't.  But I have to believe that most people are good and caring. I won't even go into the last 4 years with the current president. I'm sure you see it all from where you are. Soon to be gone. I pray every day for a kinder world where people are willing to sacrifice for the greater good. All us SAS people are working from home since March. I actually like that part a lot. I am so incredibly blessed to have a job I can do from home, and I know it. Many are not so lucky. My heart hurts for them. I make a point every day to count my blessings.

You will be gone 10 years in February. It just doesn't seem possible. I didn't think I could survive 10 years without you, but somehow I have. I hope I've made you proud. I look forward to seeing you again, but in the meantime, you be happy! I'm taking care of things down here. Love you forever, Sunshine. Love you infinity times infinity, and then some. And, you are still the favorite of all my children LOL!  Be happy! Until we meet again...

Monday, October 9, 2017

Happy 29th birthday my precious son. Thank you for the joy you brought to my life just by being here. Seven birthdays in heaven is hard to believe, but know that you are remembered with love every single day. I love you!!!

Saturday, February 13, 2016

Happy 5th Angelversary my beloved Sonshine! You are remembered and loved every minute of every day. Thank you for giving me the happiest years of my life. Until we meet again...  <3  ^i^