Nightmare…there’s no other way to describe what it feels like to lose your beloved child. If there is a hell, this is it. When I found my boy, he was face down, and he had clearly been gone a few hours. I wanted so badly to hold him one last time and tell him how much I loved him, but I was terrified of remembering him that way. So I didn’t. Instead, I ran and called his father. I deeply regret this now because I didn’t get to say goodbye, just he and I alone. It seems right that I should have been able to spend some time alone with him on his way out of this world since I brought him into the world. But there is no going back now.
The ambulance came, the police and the fire truck came. I waited in the living room while they went up to his room over the garage. I went out at one point and asked one of the EMTs who was outside “Is he dead?” to which he replied “Well, I don’t know.” And I thought to myself “Well, that’s a big, fat ‘YES’.” Even though I saw him, I guess I still held out hope that he was really alive and I was mistaken. The rest of the night is a blur. I remember almost nothing. I do remember that the 2 police officers were very kind and took care of everything for us. And then they took my baby, my only child, away. I have never felt so empty, so alone, and so full of pain in my life.
I think that's all I can write about today. More tomorrow...
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