When one door closes...

Well, it's been awhile since I've posted anything, but the spirit moved me today to jump back in. It's been a rough couple of days. Someone(s) said something incredibly cruel to me, but I am not going to say what because it's not true, it's fear-based, and frankly, it's not worth repeating or wasting good energy on. My heart goes out to the sadly misguided souls. Fear is the opposite of love. But enough about that.

Anyway, it got me thinking about how awful people can be. Why was Andy taken away from me? Why me?... blah blah blah. But THEN I started thinking about all the beautiful people that would never have come into my life if Andy hadn't died. It's a veritable feast of awesome, beautiful people! I am truly blessed. God has a way of bringing new beauty into our lives to help us deal with terrible losses. These amazing souls will help and already have helped, carry me through until I see my baby again.

I have all these totally and completely awesome friends of Andy's that I didn't know very well before Andy died (you know, Moms can be an embarrassment haha), but who have become my adopted children. I couldn't love them more if they were my own. So I DO have living children. They are too many to name, but they know who they are. Andy had a large circle of lovely friends. He had good taste in friends, I must say.

I will never have biological grandchildren, but I have these beautiful kids' children and those yet to be born. So, yes, I do have grandchildren...there's Diamony, a shiny diamond whose beautiful spirit got me through my darkest days, Donovan, the cutest little boy with his mischievous smile, Evelyn, with her delicate face and delightfully sweet heart, and (soon) Izabel, whom I cannot wait to meet, among them, and more to come, I'm sure. Yippee!

I have become friends with these kids' parents who have welcomed me into their lives with openness, kindness and love. People like Bibi and Janice and Susan, and other awesome parents that I'm just getting to know. I'm so glad I've met you! I love that I have these new friends to hang with, go to O'Malley's with, go to movies with, play games with, share stories with, get diet advice from, and eat their yummy home-grown vegetables with.

There is Rebecca who began as my realtor and ended up as my friend. Cool chain of events here...If Andy hadn't died, I wouldn't have been looking for a new house. If Peter Rumsey hadn't been out of town that day, Rebecca wouldn't have been filling in that day. If we hadn't started talking about our children and I hadn't told her about Andy, she wouldn't have hugged me and done just the right thing, and I wouldn't have felt an instant kinship with her. And of course, her 2 beautiful, adorable, sweet, smart little girls Layla and Harper wouldn't be in my life either. I must count them as part of my family too. Their artistic and gorgeous painted sculptures wouldn't be displayed proudly at my home (that Rebecca helped me find!).

And last, but not least, there are the valiant, battered souls who have walked this same journey with me. We members of the club no one wants to be in. Again, there are too many to list, but you know who you are. Though I haven't even met many of you in person, we have a bond that is stronger than strong and will never, ever be broken. God bless the ones who helped me when I was new to all this by sharing the wisdom that only time can bring. God bless those new to all this. I will be there for you. Probably the saddest thing is that our numbers grow each day.

If I have left anyone off, please forgive me...it was only a memory lapse, but the heart never forgets. You are in my heart.

It's true that when one door closes, another opens. I thought I lost everything the day Andy died. In some ways I did, but also look at what I've gained. For that I am deeply grateful, and I am truly blessed!

Have a beautiful day! 

I love you ~ Andy ~, yesterday, today and every day for eternity!

Taking a Stand...

I am deeply saddened by “Christians” who try to deny basic rights to people out of fear and ignorance; bigotry cloaked as religious freedom. It’s a sad day for North Carolina. I don’t know what God these people have, but he’s sure not mine.

I believe my son is dead today in large part because of people like Amendment One supporters who made him feel like some kind of freak, someone to be despised, feared, an “abomination”. My son was a beautiful human being. He was kind, loving, so intelligent, and I loved him EXACTLY the way he was, and part of who he was, was gay. I am proud of my son. I so looked forward to the day when he found his true love and might actually…GASP!...marry that person and live in a committed relationship. I often think about how his life might have turned out so differently if we lived in a country that wasn’t steeped in homophobia. His last several years might have been happy instead of spent in shame and hurt--the feelings that sent him to drugs in an effort to suppress the pain and the shame; the feelings that many people would shun him and hate him because of who he was…who he was born as. Who God made him.

There’s not a person on earth who can convince me being gay is a choice. Who, in God’s name, would choose to be an outcast?--to be discriminated against, made to feel horrible for who they were? He could no more change being gay than he could change the color of his skin. And trust me, if he could have changed it, he would have. But it’s just not possible.

There’s been a lot written about gay kids committing suicide lately. It’s a sad commentary on the state of our country, and I largely blame misguided “Christians”. As a God-loving heterosexual Christian, I have to ask what is going on in the US?!!! The Tea Party, who would boo a veteran who honorably served our country, because he was gay, has been in the headlines. Or some crazy church that pickets the funerals of soldiers with signs like “God hates fags” because they believe that’s why our soldiers are dying. It’s so disgusting, I don’t even know what to say about it. Back in the day, people used the bible to justify slavery too.  To every church who pushed this agenda, if you want to influence our government and use church money to do so, start paying taxes like every other corporation.

Most importantly, to every gay kid out there who may be suffering: you are a beautiful person, a person of value, just the way you are. God knitted each one of you personally in the womb (that’s from the bible), he knows every hair on your head (that’s in the bible too), and he knows your heart. If you can hang in there for a few years, get some experience under your belt, you will grow into yourself, accept yourself, and live a happy life. Yes, it’s hard now, but don’t turn to drugs, alcohol, or God forbid, suicide. Treat yourself and your body with the love and respect you deserve! You are a child of God the same as every other person who walks this earth. He loves you, and I do too.

   

My Angel

Love and Appreciate the Mess!

I was just reminiscing about a couple of things today. The first was a cherished possession that Andy made in SAS Children’s House. It was a sweet little poster that I received for Mother’s Day one year. On it were his little handprints and the following poem:

"Sometimes you get discouraged
Because I am so small,
And always leave my fingerprints
On furniture and walls.

But everyday I'm growing,
I'll be grown up someday,
And all these tiny handprints
Will simply fade away.

So here's a final handprint
Just so you can recall,
Exactly how my fingers looked
When I was very small."

It really touched me at the time, and I realized how true it was. I would often reflect back to that poem when he would make a “mess”. I can’t begin to tell you how glad I am that I had that little poem of great wisdom. Truer words were never spoken. Cherish the moments, even the messes, and appreciate just how lucky you are to have this darling child. What I would give to come home and find my sink full of dirty dishes that Andy had left in the sink or to see a pile of his laundry that needed washing.

The second thing was a cigarette burn in the guest bedroom. A year and a half ago, the air conditioning in Andy’s room over the garage bit the dust, so he moved into the guest bedroom while we had a new one installed. He was known to smoke a cigarette now and then. The day he moved back into his real room, I noticed a small cigarette burn on the window sill. I thought oh geez, look at that, darn it. But then I thought to myself, “is this really something you want to make a big deal about?” And I decided, no, it wasn’t. One stroke of a paintbrush, and it would be gone. I never did get around to painting it, so I guess that shows how unimportant it really was. Fast-forward to this week. I went into the guest room to make the bed because I had company coming. I happened to look down, and my eyes fell upon that burn mark. I sobbed when I saw it because it was visual proof that he had once been here. I thanked God that I had never made a stink about it nor painted over it.

So do me a favor and hug your kids for me. When you see a mess, smile and thank heaven above that you are so lucky to have a mess to clean up. I would give everything I own to go home to one.

One year later...

Dear Andy,

I can’t believe you’ve been gone a whole year. The feelings of loss and pain are still there every minute of every day, though a little softer. If anyone had told me it was possible to have someone in your head 24/7 for a whole year, I would not have believed them. I’ve learned it is possible. If anyone had told me it is possible to cry every day for a year, I wouldn’t have believed them. I’ve learned it is possible. I have become very good at hiding it, though, for life must go on.

There came a point when I realized I had a decision to make: I could either wallow in self-pity forever or I could try to make you proud of me. I could make your life count and continue to make a difference.  I am the keeper of your memory. That is a profound duty, and one that I promise to fulfill for as long as I live, as I know your Dad will too.  I continue to heal more every day, and I make a promise to myself each morning to go out and live life to its fullest. I think I’ve come a long way.

Andy, I learned so much from you, but the most important thing I learned is unconditional love. Thank you for that. You are the best thing that ever happened to me, and the memories I hold in my heart sustain me. I’ve learned a lot of important lessons since you went to heaven:

·        Love is the most important thing in life

·        Life is short and not promised to any one of us

·        Every action, thought, and word can be a force for good or harm; choose carefully

·        It’s correct and honorable to put in an honest day’s work, but don’t let work be your life or you are really missing out on much more important things

·        Life rewards action. If you don’t like something, change it if you can; if you want something, and it is an honorable thing, go for it!

·        Things are a temporary high and you can become a slave to them

·        Money is not the root of all evil—greed is

·        You only need enough money to be comfortable; share the rest with those less fortunate because life is unpredictable, and there but for the grace of God, go you

·        We are all our brothers’ keeper. Spread love, charity, and kindness every day, every way you can

·        A baby’s laughter is the sweetest sound on earth

·        Stand up for those weaker than you

·        No one has all the answers; an open mind is a loving mind

·        People are more motivated by encouragement than criticism

·        Judge not, for you do not know the hearts, minds, or life circumstances of others

·        When you hold a grudge, the only person who gets hurt is you

·        A hug is worth a thousand words; share one often; same for a smile

·        Family is more important than gold, power, or glory

·        And this one bears repeating—love is the most important thing in life

Wow, look at all the things you taught me! I’m so proud of you honey, and I hope I can make you proud of me. I love you with every fiber of my being, and I always will. Thank you for the beautiful years you spent with me. I am a far better person for having loved you. Your life touched many others and continues to do so still.  I just can’t wait to run to you with open arms when we are reunited in heaven's garden. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

Love,

Your Mom

10/10/88 - 2/11/11 

Would you...

I wrote this poem and ask every person who reads it to think of it in every interaction you have with another person, especially someone you don't know or who you think doesn't deserve your most kind self: We never truly know the hearts or lives of others. Let your every deed make the other person walk away feeling better. Words are more powerful than a sword:

Would you...

Would you show me more compassion

If you knew how I struggle to go on?

That my life has been completely shattered

And my reason for living is gone?

Would you go out of your way to protect me

And go the extra mile

If you knew my heart is drowning in tears

Behind my make-believe smile?

Would you give me credit for trying

And smiling and pretending I’m okay

If you knew that to get up is so painful

That it hurts just to face every day?

Would you be forgiving of my lapses

In thoughts and words, my friend

If you knew it takes so much extra effort

For my mind to comprehend?

The doctors and ones who’ve been through this

Tell me I must be patient with me

That I have a life-altering sickness

Not different from a disease

But this disease has a cure, that’s good news

I must stay the course and keep trying

And lean on those who love me

I vow I will ‘til the day that I’m dying.

So please stick with me, be patient           

I am getting better, you know

But this is a process, not instant

I’m sorrier than you it’s been slow.

I’m getting stronger  and clearer each day

And there’s love in these words that I choose

That I’m so glad you can’t really understand

Cause I’d hate you to be in my shoes.

Sending so much gratitude to those who have stood by me,  loved and supported me every step of the way. You know who you are and I love you!!!!

Christmas in the mountains...

Ken and I decided months ago to spend Christmas away from home in the mountains. It was the best idea we ever had. So here I am, day 6 in Asheville in a cozy little cabin. The fireplace is burning, my Christmas tree-scented candle is burning. It's COLD outside, but it's warm in here. This could have been the worst time of my life...first Christmas without my baby, but instead it was relaxing, healing, and maybe even a little bit happy. Yes, there have been some tears, but overall, it was a nice Christmas. And Andy was certainly here in my heart.

I'm just reminiscing about Christmases past. First Christmas was only 2 months after Andy was born. We got his picture taken in a cute little Christmas outfit given to us by one of my co-workers. He was such a happy little guy, and we got a great picture. Other Christmases that followed brought Duplos, rattles, a pounding peg bench, stackable doughnuts, push popper, rocking horse (that was a favorite), plastic snap beads, . And of course, his favorite present of all time, Spuddy, the white Gund bear given to him by my sister Laurie. Spuddy was a permanent attachment to Andy for many, many years. His name was really Snuffles, but Andy couldn't say it, so he became Spuddy forever more.

Ah, and all the books. My sonny bunny loved to read and be read to from the time he was a tiny little boy. We bought him scads of books over the years. When he was little he would chew on them and eat part of them if we weren't watching. One time we went to Barnes and Noble and got him one of those chunky cardboard books which he wanted to hold on the way home. Well, by the time we got home, he had eaten most of it. What a funny, fun memory! Some of his favorite books as a little boy were "Are You My Mother?', "The Very Best Home for Me", and "The Little Red Hen". A couple of weeks ago I was going through my filing cabinet at work and found "Patsy the Pussycat". It had the signature chewed up corner and was taped together. I cried at the memory of him sitting on my office floor on an afghan reading that book after having been sent out of SAS daycare with a small fever. He spent many days sitting on my office floor playing quietly with himself never making any fuss. He was such a wonderful, easy little boy.

Later Christmases brought Beanie Babies, Dance Dance Revolution (to see his coordination on that was a sight to behold), Legos, Beadie Buddies (I still have a Beadie Buddy he made of our cat hanging in my room), art sets. Later still came ipods, phones, stereos, electronics of all kinds. Can you see the escalation in expense here? Haha!!! He was a genius with electronics.

Every year I would make orange rolls and coffee for our Christmas breakfast. I didn't have it in me to do it this year...too much for my heart.

Anyway, I am so thankful for the multitude of beautiful Christmas memories I have, and no one can ever take them away. I sure missed spending Christmas with my boy this year, but in reality, he's been here the whole time in my heart if not in person. Thank God for that.