Thankfulness...

It’s been a dreadful year. The worst I’ll ever have. Yet I am filled with gratitude. Yes!

Of course my greatest gratitude is that I was blessed with 22 years with the best son God ever created. How I got so lucky, I’ll never know.  Thank you, Andy, for the best years of my life. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. You brought a joy to my life that will sustain me for the rest of mine. I didn’t know such love or happiness was possible until you came into my life. I know you will be sitting with us at Thanksgiving dinner, and I will celebrate the wonder of you! And, of course, I will have green bean casserole and cherry pie in your honor.  I love you, Sonshine, and I can’t wait to see you again!

I’m grateful to Kenny for being there every step of the way. The one person who truly understands the enormous loss and with whom I can cry any time and not feel sorry or embarrassed or worried about making him uncomfortable.

I’m grateful to Andy’s darling friends for staying in touch still. Being with them is like having a piece of Andy with me. They are great kids, and I can see why my son loved them so much because I do too.

I’m grateful for the incredible people I work with who showed love, compassion and understanding. I didn’t see how I could even get out of bed in the morning, let alone go to work. But they have stood by me and supported me every step of the way.

I’m grateful for my friends, old and new, who have shared this journey with me with compassion and love. Some I haven’t even met that I’ve connected with online who have also suffered the same unimaginable loss. They gave me support and hope, and soon it will be my turn to help those new to this terrible path.

I’m grateful to my family...Mom, brothers and sisters, cousins, aunts and uncles for loving me, standing by me, and giving me the support only family can give. I love you so much!

Andy, thank you for staying near and letting me know you are there helping me. My loss is immense, but I feel your presence, your love, and your help every step of the way. Thanks for the pennies from heaven--they bring a smile to my face every time.

I have been shown the best in people, and I believe that people are kind, loving, and just trying to do the best they can.  Life is good, and we can all have profound impact on other people’s lives. I know this because so many people have helped me and created huge positive ripples in my life this year. So give thanks and spread the ripples of love!

Beating the Clock

I still go to the cemetery most every day. I know Andy’s not there, but it’s the last place I left him, and I like being where his body is. I talk to him, tell him about my day, and meditate in the sunshine. It’s so peaceful and full of wildlife. I see birds, butterflies, foxes, and even deer. If it’s raining, I bring an umbrella. It’s a very special, sacred time for me, and much like the mailman, neither sleet nor rain nor heat of day can keep me away.

It hasn’t been a problem getting there…til now. Once Daylight Savings Time goes away, the gates close an hour earlier at 5 PM. I guess I understand why it has to be gated at night. Sadly, things get stolen, bad people do bad things, and kids get into mischief at night, but it makes it really hard for me to get there before they close. And it's not dark by 6:00, so why not stay open til 6:00? If I don’t leave work by 4 PM, I don’t get to go. It’s added stress knowing I have to leave work by a certain time, and there are quite a few days when it’s just not possible. It makes me really sad, and it hurts my heart.

So what do you do? I don’t know…think outside the box, I guess. There is one gate that is not locked, but it’s not big enough to drive my car in. I’ve been thinking I could park outside the gate, walk in after hours, and walk over to Andy’s grave. Good exercise, if nothing else. The thing is, he is on the complete opposite side of the cemetery from the gate, and it’s a very big cemetery. Will I be able to walk that far in snow or ice and be out of there before dark? I don’t know, but that’s the plan for now. I will find a way! You see, I would do anything to spend that special time with my beloved boy. Gosh I can’t wait to see him again!

Memories of Halloweens Past...

Andy always loved Halloween. He was born October 10, so he celebrated his first Halloween at the tender age of 3 weeks old. We got him a little pumpkin outfit, and he looked absolutely precious. Over the years he dressed up as many things...Superman, Vampire, Zombie, Cat. But the one that really stands out is a Mummy.

We went out and bought yards and yards of rolled-up gauze, and I must pat myself on the back here for the idea. I rolled round and round his body from head to toe. It took forever, but when we were done, he was the best Mummy ever. Andy was always such a skinny little kid, and even with clothes on underneath, he looked like a little beanpole. He was delighted with the result and so was I. The picture I have of him is one of my most cherished possessions. Take my money, my house, my job, but I will die before I let that picture go. Someday I'll scan it in so I can post it.

He was just beside himself with excitement. I can still see the delight and anticipation in his little face. We walked around the neighborhood...sprinted really. Is there any night more exciting to a child than Halloween? He carried his haul of candy from house to house. Everyone commented on his great costume, which please him to no end.

There is one unfortunate incident that night that I will never understand. We went to one house (porch light was on). When the woman answered the door, she said to my excited little boy "We don't celebrate Halloween. We're Christians and Halloween is of the devil." Of course, Andy was completely confused and didn't have a clue what she was talking about. I told her to turn her damn porch light off then. It's almost like she wanted kids to come to the door so she could chastise them and their parents with her holier-than-thou attitude. "Christian" indeed killing the joy and fun of little kids. I have strong thoughts about so-called "Christians" like her, but that's for another time.

Anyway, I told him she was an unhappy lady who didn't know how to behave as well as he did, and he was ok with that. Off for more fun and candy! We came home sometime later and inspected the haul. It was a good one. He was well pleased. We ate a few pieces, ate pumpkin seeds I had toasted, and watched a movie together. Then I tucked him in bed to dream of his exciting night.What a beautiful memory! I'm so blesssed to be able to go back to that memory whenever I want to. This year my baby was an Angel for Halloween, bless his sweet soul. Love you forever, Beautiful Boy!!!

I'll end with my favorite quote about Halloween:

Backward, turn backward,
O Time, in your flight
make me a child again
just for to-night!
~Elizabeth Akers Allen

Happy Birthday Sonshine!

Twenty-three years ago today, Andrew Edward Katchuk came into this world. It was a Monday. I remember because I thought, "oh yay, I don't have to go to work today!" They said "It's a boy" and I heard his first cries...oh, what a beautiful sound! Then they placed him in my arms for the first time. It was instant love, absolutely instant! Then they whisked him off, and after pressing on my stomach for what seemed like forever (ouch) and a few stitches, they sent me to my room.

I was absolutely starving, so they brought me a huge tray of food. I ate every last bite, and yes, the hospital food tasted like the best meal I had ever eaten. I was also exhausted, and I fell asleep with a full stomach and a heart full of love for MY new baby. It was just too good to be true. Truly it was the best day of my life (except for all the days and years to come with my precious son).

Some time later, I woke up, probably because the epidural was starting to wear off. I thought, "Oh, this is starting to hurt a little." And as the minutes clicked by, and it eventually wore off all together, it really, really hurt. I remember telling Ken, "Wow, nobody warned me about this part." But I didn't care, I was ecstatic. One of my friends from work had had her baby the day before, so I walked down to see her...very sloooowly walked down haha! Later that day, they brought Andy in to stay with me...it was so wonderful. I was sitting in bed just crying my eyes out. The nurse asked me what was wrong, and I said "I'm just so happy!" Can you say "hormones going crazy?"  :-)

Fast forward to 22 years of being a Mom. They were years filled with love, joy, and some pain...but overwhelmingly joy. I had the best son a mother could ever ask for and I am so deeply grateful that I got to have this handsome, loving, intelligent, wonderful person in my life. It's so hard now, but it was all worth it, and if I knew then that he would die so young, I would still do it. Thank you, Andy, for the best years of my life. You are forever in my heart, my soul, my memory. I can't wait to see you again. What a wonderful day that will be. I love you sonshine.

All my love,
Mom

Reflections on a beautiful day...

I woke up this morning to the sound of wind chimes. I bought these chimes in memory of Andy. They say “When the wind blows, know that I am near.”  It was such a pretty sound, and I knew my baby was near, so I woke up with a smile on my face. This was important because every day I wake up happy but then it goes away. In those first few seconds of wakefulness, I forget Andy is gone—I’m happy--but then I remember, and sadness immediately falls over me. Today was different. It was like he was waking me up and saying “Good morning Mom! I’m here!” He’s been on my mind so much lately because his birthday is in a few days. Today it’s like he’s sticking close to me all day. Thanks baby!!! I noticed, and I love you with everything I am. And it’s such a gorgeous day!! The sun is bright, there’s a chill in the air that is so welcome after such a long, hot summer. I think it’s going to be a great day. 

I’m reflecting on so many people and how they have loved me and carried me through these awful months. 

·        My family, always there, always reaching out to me. I have the best family and I love you! How blessed I am to have 7 incredible brothers and sisters who love me unconditionally and have always been there for me. My mom, the best mom in the world. To know her is to love her. She is an amazing, compassionate, beautiful woman. My Dad, whose presence I feel helping me from heaven. Lexi, who graciously spent Mother’s Day with me and made it bearable.

·        Andy’s friends and their parents, who have stayed in touch when you didn’t have to.  Kids, I couldn’t love you more if you were my own children, and I have officially adopted you. You are my link to Andy. You are so wonderful, and I’m proud that my son chose you as his friends. I will be here for you always, I love you, and I believe in you. Reach for the stars—I look forward to all the great things you are going to do in the years to come.

·        Hanna’s parents, who showed their support by coming to the calling hours and funeral despite their still-fresh sorrow. The compassion you have shown us touches me to my soul. 

·        My coworkers who so graciously and kindly helped me adapt to being back at work. Kim and Crystal who carried most of the burden at work and never made me feel like I wasn’t doing enough, bless their hearts; who let me talk about Andy, shared their kids’ stories with me. Loved the noodle necklace! It has a place of honor in my room. Paula who eased me back in with such compassion and who continues to look after me still. My whole team and extended team who have just been angels and have dealt with my mood swings and forgetfulness (can you say asking the same questions repeatedly?) with kindness and a blind eye. My work friends, you are family to me.

·        My dearest girlfriends, sisters in spirit--Gail, Janine, Betty. I love you and wouldn’t have gotten through this without you!

·        Ken, the one person on earth who truly understands my pain and is the person who, with me, created such a beautiful son. You got me through the first dark days and carried me, comforted me, cried with me, shared memories with me. You carry me still, and I am filled with gratitude and love for you. I believe I might be dead now if not for you, the pain has been too great. Thank you for saving my life.

I’m reflecting on why I thought some things were important--money, prestige, wearing the right clothes, being “important” at work, having a spotless home, day-to-day noise. It truly perplexes me. I was so clueless, but I am a different person now. Now I appreciate the sunshine, kindness, friendship, lending a helping hand, health, nature, a roof over my head, a laughing child, my dog greeting me like she hasn't seen me in a year when I come home, time alone, making *others* feel important, faith that there is a God who is looking out for me and will reunite me with Andy one day, precious memories that can never be erased.

I still cry, but I’m also able to see the glimmer of hope. And that glimmer is very strong today. Thank you beloved Andy for waking me up this morning!! Love you forever Sonshine!!

One foot in heaven...

Last week I took a wonderful trip to Italy and Switzerland. It was kind of a spur of the moment thing. I went with one of my friends who had to go there for her job, so I had a free place to stay. I used my frequent flyer miles to get there, so the trip cost almost nothing. Don't you love getting something wonderful for almost nothing? I was very ambivalent about going, but I'm so glad I did. I've come back with a sense of peace and awe that I haven't felt since Andy passed away.

The Grand Tour:

Parma - home of Parmesan cheese and prosciutto ham. Parma has a cute little city center with cobblestone streets filled with cafes and shops. Probably the best part of Parma was the food. Food is everywhere there! You go for a drink, the bars have all kinds of food set out...incredible paper-thin ham and salami, cheeses, pastries. Breakfast is a vast buffet of meats, cheeses, yogurt, fruits, fresh-baked breads and pastries. It was truly breakfast fit for a king. And the coffee--just incredible, full of flavor, a great way to kick off your day. The good news is you walk so much that you don't gain weight! Parma was my introduction to Limoncello--nectar of the gods! It is a liqueur made from sugared lemons. It is very tasty and the most fun buzz I've ever experienced. The people there were so nice to us. I don't think I paid for more than one drink the whole time I was there. People bought us champagne, Limoncello, Prosecco wine. We had so much fun getting to know the locals, and though we didn't speak Italian and they spoke very little English, I felt like I made some great new friends.

Florence - city of art. How do I describe the beauty and awe of Florence? Everything there is ancient and on a grand scale. There is something sacred about seeing the great sculptures of Michelangelo. They were so big and so intricately detailed. It was absolutely incredible. I was just amazed that a human being could possess such talent and ability. Although Michelangelo was also an incredible painter, it is said that his true love was sculpting. Truly a great master.  And then there were the cathedrals...huge works of art that in some cases appeared to be 4 blocks wide and reached high into the sky. They were towering structures, full of color and sculptures built into the facades. How did they do it??? We went into a monastery sanctuary. It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop, candles were burning on the altar, it was truly a holy place. The ceiling was an intricately carved mahogany work of art. I sat there for a long time with my eyes closed just drinking in the quiet and sacredness. I felt as close to God as I ever have. Then down into some neighborhoods, where there weren't a lot of tourists. The cobblestone streets were winding and narrow. People had their laundry hung out just like in the pictures you see. I loved it!

Lugano, Switzerland - my favorite place of all, and we ended up there totally on a fluke. One of our drivers told us not to go to Milan "just a big city" and go to Lugano instead. Boy, was he right. Lugano is an incredibly beautiful little town in the Swiss Alps. We went by bus, and as we were waiting, I got stung on the neck by a bee. Some sweet lady pulled a vial of some liquid out of her purse and poured it on my neck. It really helped!  We passed through Lake Como and Bellaggio. I looked out the window with tears running down my face because Andy had been there as an exchange student and we had gone to the Alps together on vacation. I was filled with his spirit and a heart full of love and deeply precious memories of our time there together. I felt that he was right there beside me holding my hand and saying "didn't we have a wonderful time here, Mom?" It was one of the most precious moments of my life. You get to the center of town by walking down incredibly steep, curvy cobblestone streets, no cars allowed. There are hundreds of cute little shops and cafes. It felt like something out of a fairy tale. And the view!!!! Imagine a backdrop of the majestic Alps with homes, a whole village really, built into the side of the mountain, all overlooking the most beautiful, big lake. It felt like I had one foot in heaven.

I have felt like I have one foot in heaven since Andy died. Part of me, and half my heart went over with him, never to return. Being in this awe-inspiring place is the best way I can describe to you what I mean. And being there brought me a sense of peace and understanding of the grand scheme of things. I feel like part of a veil has been lifted for me...the veil that separates us from heaven. I understood that Andy can reach through that veil any time, and he does. He is not gone, and if I let my mind reach through, I can touch him and be near to him any time. Thank you Lugano for giving me this life-changing gift of understanding. I am truly at peace now, and I think I can go on and make it.

I Hate You, Go Away...

Well, grief has reared its ugly head again. I guess it all started on Friday. I felt sick all day at work and then by the end of the day got really sick. I was supposed to go to Gail’s house in Hampstead this weekend. Felt better, physically, on Saturday, but didn’t go…just wanted to be alone. I cried and cried all weekend. Grief has come back for a visit. I HATE you grief. I’m sick of you. Just go away once and for all. I want to SCREAM at you “GET OUT OF MY LIFE!” How long do I have to put up with you? You steal my joy. You remind me over and over that I’ll never have grandchildren, I’ll never be called Mom again, my life won’t be what I dreamed it would be. I HATE YOU!!!!!!

That was Friday, Saturday and Sunday, ah, but today is a new day.  I decided to get up early and do something productive. I went to Logan’s and bought some tulip and iris bulbs and some Lantana to plant at Andy’s grave, and headed off to the cemetery. I put on my gardening gloves, took out my trowel, and got to work, all excited. Stuck in the trowel and discovered this earth is like concrete…I mean, seriously, and I’m thinking this is going to take a lot more time and energy than I expected.  Dig, chop, twist, dig, chop, twist. I’ve planted a lot of flowers in my life, and never worked this hard. The sweat was pouring off me. So I got this idea to pour water on the dirt. Not only did it not soften the dirt, but it created huge mud puddles in the holes. Then it started to rain. But I was a woman on a mission, and frankly the rain was a blessed relief from the heat and humidity.

I was bitching to myself and telling Andy, “I hope you appreciate this!” Haha! We had a good laugh about it together, and I smiled for the first time in 3 days. I hung in there, and stubborn determination took over my mind and body. I felt no pain and time passed without my noticing. Two hours later I was done, and I’m pretty sure I heard the theme song from Rocky coming down from the sky J  Hurray!!!!! I hope hope hope everything is planted deep enough, but I dug as deep as was humanly possible today. So maybe at some point I’ll have to go back and deepen the holes, but that’s for another day, after prolonged heavy rains, and with much coffee in my system.

I stood up, enjoyed the beauty of the newly-planted yellow Lantana, smiled, and told Andy I loved him. My hair and clothes were dripping wet, I was covered in mud, my knees and back were killing me, but I felt GOOD! I think I got a lot of anger and aggression out today, and it helped a lot.  Bye bye grief…don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!

I know this is a roller coaster, and grief will be back again, but for now it’s gone. May it stay away for longer and longer periods of time because it sucks worse than anything on earth. Grief, I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!! And that’s ok.