Happy Birthday Angel Son

Happy 26th birthday Andy! I love you and miss you so. Thank you for the beautiful and wonderful years you gave me. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. It's hard to believe this is the 4th birthday I've had to celebrate without you. I hope you are happy beyond anything we can imagine. I love you forever!

Love,
Mom

Live in the Moment...

I know what it means to be in limbo. I live in two worlds at once…one foot here and one foot in heaven with Andy.  I have to really focus to remain grounded in my life. I have often felt myself wanting to run away from the sadness. Maybe if I lived in another city, maybe if I traveled the world for a year, maybe if I moved to a new house. But being in a new city doesn’t fix it, nor does being in a new house or presumably anywhere in the world or with any person or whatever. As the saying goes “Wherever you go, there you are.” It’s not that I’m depressed all the time; I’m not. But even in the best of times, on the best day, there is still that nagging pain in my heart that never goes away.  You know how it feels when somebody says something really mean to you, and you’re on the verge of tears? That hurt in your heart? Mine feels like that all the time. Try to focus when you have that hurt in your heart. It’s not easy.

But I refuse to be a victim, and my stubbornness probably helps me a lot. So does keeping really busy. So does doing for others. But I think I’ve figured out what the best coping mechanism of all is. Live in the moment. And I think everyone can benefit from living in the moment.  It’s pretty simple, and very few, if any of us live that way. This afternoon I sat in my back yard and just concentrated on watching a couple of trees. Have you ever noticed how beautiful they are? The summery-green color, the texture of the bark,  the graceful way they sway in the breeze, the way the light shimmers on and through the leaves? You can almost feel their energy, their life force emanating out into the air. Or yesterday, when I was holding a brand new baby…she was such a miracle. I was thinking of nothing but how precious and tiny and pure and beautiful she was. I was looking at an honest-to-God miracle! There was no room in my heart for sadness; only love and awe. And I swear I see a little glimpse of heaven in every new baby I hold.

You can even live in the moment at work. Concentrate on doing the best you can possibly do. Celebrate your achievements as they happen. Friday near the end of my work day, I scored a major contact that will help me on a project I’m working on. I was thrilled. I was worried someone might walk by my office and think I’d lost it because I was high-fiving the air! I was thoroughly enjoying that moment, and there was no room in my heart for sadness. Yes, even at work!

I’m not saying I am freed from limbo. I’m not saying I’ll be happy all the time. The tears and sadness will come as long as I live. But—the more I focus on this moment, the less often the tears will come. Or even when they do, I can focus on the joy of knowing Andy is in a place of great peace, love, acceptance, and joy. My baby is happy, RIGHT THIS MINUTE. His happiness is my happiness, so my heart can be full of love for him and gratitude for his happiness. No room for pain.

Don’t let the pettiness of everyday junk ruin your joy. There are very few things that are really deserving of space in your brain or that should make you mad or upset. Very few. Your kid just colored all over his younger brother with markers? Don’t get mad! Take a picture! I guarantee you will laugh over it someday. Use your energy to love your family and your friends, not to be mad, or self-righteous, or judging, or to strive for the biggest house on the block (I will be happy when…definitely NOT living in the moment). There are people who at this very moment would love nothing more than your time, your attention, and your love. And you have the great power of creating a happy moment for them to live in. 

There’s a saying “Remember the small moments, for those moments will become treasured memories.” Please believe me, these might be the truest words ever spoken. The small moments are the thing to focus on now, for they will truly be the treasured memories that will sustain you someday. And moments are created by living in them as they happen. So do it!

 

 

Happy 3rd Angelversary my beloved son, my life, my only sunshine. I love you forever <3

~Mommy